Injustice For All
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Lex Luthor and the Joker organize the annual Injustice League conference. Harley Quinn feels left out, and determines to prove herself the equal to anyone in the Injustice League by any methods necessary.
1. Chapter 1

**Injustice For All**

Every muscle Harley Quinn had was strained and tense as she looked carefully around the room, breathing softly.

A shape suddenly leapt out at her from the shadows, grabbing her from behind. She elbowed it in the ribs, and then flipped it over her shoulder, sending her attacker hurtling into the wall. She backflipped, kicking out at the figure, and heard him grunt in pain. She didn't have time to savor her triumph, however, as her leg was seized and she was thrown into the wall. Winded, she tried to struggle to her feet before the shape was on top of her, but it was too late. It had its hands around her throat, choking her and slamming her head down onto the floor. Harley kicked up suddenly, making the figure grunt in pain again and release her. She kicked him in the stomach and then slammed her fist down on his neck, making him fall to his knees. She continued to punch him across the face repeatedly.

"Take that!" she shrieked. "And that, and that!"

He kicked at her ankles, tripping her up. She fell back and he jumped on top of her, but she rolled out of the way, causing him to land on his stomach, gasping in pain.

She sat on his back, ripping his bowtie off and tightening it around his throat, pulling his neck back and choking him.

"Ok, ok, I give!" he shouted. "Uncle!"

Harley released him immediately, and the Joker lay on the ground, massaging his throat. "And that…pooh…is how you beat up a guy who attacks you from behind!" he gasped. "Although most of 'em probably won't have bowties. And of course in real life, you kill them, even if they say uncle."

Harley beamed, helping him to his feet. "I did good, huh, puddin'?"

"Yeah, you did all right," he agreed, nodding.

"And I am getting better, huh? I wanna be the best little fighter ever, so you can be proud of me," said Harley, cuddling against him.

"Oh Harley, I'm already proud of you," he said, smiling. "Though I'm more proud of myself than you, of course. I took an ordinary shrink and changed her into a lean, mean, killing machine! I'm incredible!"

"You sure are, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek. "Now let's get you some painkillers."

"What? And waste all that lovely pain?" he said, grinning. "Not on your life! Besides, you know what it does to me. We should take a roll in the hay while the sun shines, so to speak," he murmured, pulling her into his arms and kissing her tenderly.

"Mmm, but you're bleeding from your mouth, puddin'," said Harley, gently.

"Don't pretend you don't love it, you naughty little minx," he breathed, kissing her again.

"Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped, as he pressed her down on the floor. "Should I get the whoopie cushion?"

"Leave it for round two," he murmured, grinning. "When we're gonna play dunk the clown."

Things were beginning to heat up when the telephone suddenly rang.

"Let the machine get it," murmured Harley, as he looked up, distracted. She pulled him back down to her as the phone rang, and at last the Joker's answering machine message clicked on, beginning with an insane burst of his trademark maniacal laughter.

"Boy, did you get a wrong number! Leave your message at the sound of the shriek!" This was followed by begging and a long, drawn-out scream from an unfortunate victim. When it was over, they heard a different voice.

"Joker, it's Lex. Pick up."

Silence followed, and then the same voice said. "I know you're there – just pick up. It's important. Pick up the phone."

More silence. Then a deep sigh. "Joker, I'm calling about a surprise, a fun surprise. But I can only tell you what it is if you pick up the phone."

"Did somebody say fun?" chuckled Joker, climbing off Harley instantly and hurrying over to the phone. "Lexy, old kid! What this about a fun surprise?"

"There's no fun surprise –I'm actually calling about the Injustice League conference, Joker," retorted Lex Luthor. "But you wouldn't have picked up if I told you the truth."

"You mean you lied to me?" gasped Joker. "Is there no honor among thieves?"

"It was the only way to get you to answer the phone – I'm more concerned with efficiency than honor," said Luthor. "It's my philosophy for life, generally."

"If that were true, Lexy, you'd have picked someone else to help you organize this conference," chuckled Joker.

"I didn't pick you," snapped Luthor. "I didn't have a choice. You're the only member of the Injustice League who has never had the responsibility of organizing – it's about being fair and balanced, which you have to be, in a league."

"Nah, not in the Justice League," said Joker. "How is it fair and balanced to have Batsy working with all those super-powered freaks? Of course my money's on him for being able to kick all their asses if it ever came to it. Stupid bunch of alien weirdos and their superlamewad powers…"

"Look, we can schedule in some Justice League bashing for the afternoon of the conference," interrupted Luthor. "But we really need to discuss practicalities now. We can use one of my buildings for the venue, but I've got forms here for catering and speakers and decorations, and we need to fill them out."

"Aw, but Lex, paperwork is so boring!" groaned Joker.

"A necessary evil if you wish to succeed in the world of business," retorted Luthor. "And life. Society is based on bureaucracy and red tape – learning how to cope with these things is the only way to master society and eventually dominate it."

"You could always just blow it up," said Joker. Harley was gazing longingly at him, but he winked at her as he said this, and she grinned, giggling, as she came over to him and knelt down, unbuckling his belt.

"So for catering, I'm looking at a diverse spread – I think we should start with some light hors d'oeuvres, maybe some of those cocktail sausages…"

"Mmm, oh yeah, that's nice," whispered Joker.

"Glad you approve. For the main I thought maybe a buffet, with a selection of choices – vegetarian option, non-vegetarian option for Poison Ivy, alien cuisine for the non-human among us…"

"Oh, so good!" gasped Joker, breathing heavily. "More, c'mon, gimme more!"

"More? Uh…ok," said Luthor, studying the menu. "I guess we can have varieties like Italian or Tex Mex or…"

"That's it! Oh yes, baby, yes!" cried Joker.

"Tex Mex? Didn't know you were a fan," said Luthor. "Ok, and for dessert I was trying to decide between a selection of cakes, or a cheese platter, or a chocolate fondue…"

"All, baby, take it all!" hissed Joker. "I don't care if you choke! Take it all!"

"Joker, we can't take it all – who's gonna get stuck with the bill for this stuff?" demanded Luthor. "Me, that's who! And I may be a billionaire, but I didn't get that way by wasting my money on five different desserts! I'm not blowing a fortune on…"

"Blow it! Just keep blowing it!" gasped Joker. "Oh yes, Harley!"

"Harley?" repeated Luthor, and as Joker moaned in pleasure, the realization hit him. "Oh my God, what are you doing?!" roared Luthor. "Why are you doing that when you're on the phone with me, you sick freak?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Well, it's your fault for calling…in the middle of things, Lexy," sighed Joker, catching his breath. "Here, I'll put you on speaker."

"Hi, Lexy!" called Harley, standing up and waving at the phone.

"Hello, Harley," growled Luthor. "Thank you for giving me an image that nearly made me sick."

"No problem!" said Harley, happily. "Hey, this conference thing sounds great, especially if you're gonna have a chocolate fondue fountain, which is my recommendation, by the way. Can I come?"

"Once we've hung up the phone, pooh, you will," growled Joker, nuzzling her neck.

"I meant to the conference, puddin'," said Harley, giggling.

"Absolutely not," retorted Luthor. "It's for Injustice League members only."

"Well, can I join the club?" asked Harley. "I think I've got all the requirements – I'm a supervillain. Isn't that the only criteria?"

Luthor laughed without humor. "It certainly is not. Our members are screened through a rigorous process that tests not only their intellect, but their ability in combat…"

"Hey, I'm a good fighter!" said Harley. "I just beat the crap outta Mr. J – it's the only way to get him in the mood! And I think I'm smart enough to pass a test – I used to be a psychiatrist, y'know. C'mon, Lexy, gimme a chance!"

"I'm sorry, Harley, but sidekicks to supercriminals are ineligible for membership," said Luthor, firmly.

"Sidekick?" repeated Harley. "I ain't a sidekick! Just because I'm a girlfriend of one of the members don't make me a second-rate villain! I'm just as bad as you or Mr. J, ain't I, Mr. J?" she asked, turning to Joker pleadingly.

"Uh…look, Harley, it's mostly just a guy thing…" said Joker, slowly.

"That's not true – Red's a member!" said Harley. "Why don't you want me joining, Mr. J? What happens at these conferences?" She paled suddenly. "Wait, is it like Vegas? Does what happen at the Injustice League conferences stay at the Injustice League conferences?! Are there loose women around?! Is that why you don't want me there, because you wanna cheat on me?!"

"No, pumpkin pie, calm down!" said Joker, trying to stop her from growing hysterical. "It's mostly just a really boring conference!"

"And, I repeat, it's for members only," said Luthor, firmly. "I'm sorry, Harley, but now is simply not the time or place to discuss your membership."

"Well, when will be the time and place?" asked Harley. "Can Mr. J bring it up at the conference?"

"We'll see," said Luthor. "Although we already have quite a full schedule, so we might not have a lot of time for new business. And, as I've already said, sidekicks are not able to gain membership."

"I ain't a sidekick!" cried Harley. "I'm Mr. J's partner, and equal! Ain't I, Mr. J?" she asked.

Joker didn't know how to respond. On the one hand, Harley was most definitely not, in his mind anyway, his partner and equal. She was his henchwench, nowhere near his intellectual greatness, and certainly not worthy of being a supervillain in her own right. He definitely didn't want to give her the ego, or the boost of self-esteem in thinking she was his equal by granting her equal membership in the Injustice League. On the other, he hated to bow to Luthor's stupid rules and regulations. But on yet the other hand, if anyone had three hands, he did enjoy the conferences as time for himself on his own, away from Harley. If she got membership, she would never leave his side. They would go everywhere together. And he simply couldn't let that happen – he couldn't let her tighten the noose around his neck any further.

"No," he said, firmly. "You ain't at all my equal, Harley, and you ain't equal to anyone in the Injustice League. You're my little henchwench and sidekick, who I created, to serve me, and so you can't join the league because you ain't a supervillain. You're just Daddy's little pet," he cooed, patting her head.

He had thought that last sentence would please Harley. It didn't. She punched him hard across the face. "You jerk!" she shrieked. "I'm every bit as good as any member of your stupid league, and I'm gonna prove it!"

"Harley! Harley, get back here!" he called after her. "Harley!"

But she ignored him, racing off and slamming the door behind her. Joker sighed heavily. "Well, at least this day can't get any worse," he grumbled.

"Not quite," said Luthor, dryly. "We still have about fifty more forms to get through."

Joker groaned. "What have I ever done to deserve paperwork?" he sighed. "Gimme a fight with the Bat anyday."


	2. Chapter 2

"So how are we getting to Metropolis?" asked Two-Face, a few weeks later. "And what are we doing at this bus station?"

"Those two questions have the same answer, Harvey," said Joker, grinning.

Two-Face stared at him. "We're taking a _bus _to Metropolis?" he demanded. "What kinda cheap bastard _is_ Luthor?! And you were meant to be organizing this with him, J! How could you let him do this to us?!"

"Oh, he slipped the transportation form in with a lotta other boring crap," muttered Joker. "I stopped listening and started playing a game of solitaire, while occasionally saying 'Yep' and 'Sure' as I tuned him out. It's what I usually do with Harley. But he took advantage of my not paying attention to him by sticking us with a bus. But I'll get him back for this at the conference, I promise. I got a lotta big plans for it," he chuckled.

"Well, I sure hope your plans go well," said Harley coldly, standing by his side with her arms folded across her chest. She had been very distant since Luthor had called – she still hadn't forgiven Joker for what he had said, but as she hadn't brought it up again, Joker just assumed she would get over it eventually.

"What the hell is keeping the others?" demanded Two-Face, glancing at his watch.

"I dunno – don't you keep track of the Weed Lady?" asked Joker. "I would have assumed you and she would have been _in_fern_grante delicto._"

"She ain't my problem no more," growled Two-Face, lighting a cigar.

"Must be nice not to have a woman problem," sighed Joker, as Harley continued to glare at him.

"Sorry I'm late," said Poison Ivy, rushing over to them. "Had to take care of a few construction workers who wolf-whistled me on the way here. So I covered the whole site in ivy and let Mother Nature reclaim her land and feast on the bodies of her destroyers."

"Nobody can ever accuse you of being subtle, Pammie," said Joker, grinning.

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Ivy. "Where's everyone else?"

"Oh, Croc's probably gotten lost, or run into a wall, or dropped a rock on himself," retorted Joker.

"I did bring a rock for the road," said Killer Croc, appearing behind him. "Just in case we run into any Bat-shaped trouble."

"Yeah, that'll really help, Croc old boy," sighed Joker.

"J, how am I supposed to fit in anything like that?" demanded Clayface, who studied the surrounding buses skeptically. "Do you know how difficult it is for me to condense myself into a human form for long periods of time?"

"Well, make yourself useful and shapeshift into a plane," retorted Joker.

"I'm not letting you freaks ride inside me," snapped Clayface. "That's disgusting. And anyway, I can't fly."

"Then what's the point of you?" demanded Joker. "Look, you all have to stop blaming me for this bus fiasco…"

"It's completely your fault!" snapped Two-Face. "You're the one who agreed to it with Luthor!"

"Bus? I'm not riding on a bus!" said Ivy, wrinkling her nose. "If you'd told me we'd be stuck on a bus, J, I just would have driven to the conference by myself."

"You can't – you don't know where it is," snapped Joker. "Only our driver does. So just deal with the bus, Weed Lady, or grow a flying plant!"

"Does the bus have a bathroom? I don't think I can go all the way to Metropolis without a bathroom stop," said Croc, concerned.

"I'm sure it does," said Joker. "But warn everyone else before you go, huh? It'll probably be outta action after that."

"Where is our transportation?" asked Mr. Freeze, arriving and looking around skeptically.

"Victor, 'ice' to see you again!" chuckled Joker. "Now just 'chill' out – 'snow' good getting upset that the bus is late…"

Freeze grabbed him around the throat, putting his ice gun to his face. "One more pun and I will freeze your tongue, and then break it off," he growled.

"Geez, Freeze, cool it!" snapped Joker. "And that wasn't an intentional pun…" he added, quickly.

Freeze dropped him to the ground. "Why is everyone in such a bad mood?" demanded Joker, rubbing his backside as he stood up. "This whole bus trip is gonna be a laugh riot! I'm really looking forward to it! Why can't everyone be as optimistic as I am? You should call yourselves the Pessimists League!"

"How long a drive is it to Metropolis?" asked Ivy of Two-Face.

"A good nine hours," retorted Two-Face.

Ivy choked in horror, and then began coughing violently. "Aw, gee, suddenly I don't feel so good, guys," she said, putting a hand to her forehead. "Got a sudden cough and headache and stomach ache and pins and needles…maybe I better skip the conference this year, just so I don't infect any of you…"

"It's ok, Pammie, we got a doctor in the house!" chuckled Joker, grabbing her arm as she tried to dash off. "Freeze is a doctor, and this nerd here has a doctor degree, doncha, Craney?" he asked, as Jonathan Crane approached them.

"I have…a doctorate in psychology," agreed Crane. "But that's not at all the same thing as being a real doctor. And in medical terms it's essentially useless…"

"Still, we got two doctors," interrupted Joker. "They'll take care of ya, Pammie! And look, here comes the bus!"

They all stared at the vehicle approaching them, which looked like it had been a new, spacious model about twenty years ago. The door opened and the inside was as impressive as the outside, with dirty, moth-eaten seats, and what appeared to be no bathroom. The woman driving the vehicle was a sour faced, bored-looking, large lady, who pressed a button to pop open the side of the bus. "Luggage goes in there," she said, simply, making no move to leave her seat and help them load it up.

"You heard the lady!" chuckled Joker, grabbing his bags and throwing them inside. "Everyone load up!"

As the others reluctantly put in their luggage, with much grumbling, Joker turned to embrace Harley. "Goodbye, my little pumpkin pie! Daddy's gonna miss his Harley girl, yes he is…" he began, leaning forward to kiss her.

She pulled away. "No, you won't," she retorted. "If you were gonna miss me, you'd have spoken to Lex about letting me join. But you didn't, and you ain't gonna, are ya, Mr. J?"

"Pumpkin, you gotta understand…"

"I do understand, Mr. J," she snapped. "But don't lie to me and say you'll miss me when you won't. Enjoy your freedom," she said, turning and storming off without another word.

Joker sighed. "Johnny, did your boyfriend get all annoyed that he wasn't invited?" he asked.

"Jervis and I are not gay!" snapped Crane.

"Yeah, you stay in that closet, Johnny, if it makes you happy," said Joker, nodding. "But did he get annoyed that you were going and he wasn't?"

"Not to my knowledge," retorted Crane. "I'm not entirely sure why anyone would wish to attend the conference in particular – it's deadly dull."

"That's what I tried to tell Harley," said Joker, nodding. "I only go to pull pranks on the other losers who attend. Why do you go?"

Crane sighed. "I just enjoy the feeling of being one of the cool kids, for once," he muttered, climbing onto the bus.

Two-Face made to follow him, but the bus driver pointed to his cigar. "Put it out before you board," she snapped. "No smoking on my bus."

Two-Face gave Joker a murderous glare as he stamped out his cigar and climbed onto the bus. "I bet the other members got private jets," he muttered. "And they can probably smoke all they want."

Joker climbed in after him. "All right – who wants to be my seat buddy?" he asked, grinning at the others already onboard. Everyone stared back at him, completely silent.

"Lame buncha losers," muttered Joker ten minutes later, as he sat alone in the back of the bus, arms folded across his chest, glaring at the others seated together at the front. "Guess I'll just have to entertain myself."

He whistled happily, pulling a pea shooter out of his jacket, and several thin strips of paper, which he chewed up, rolled into tiny balls, and shot at the back of Crane's head.

"Will you kindly stop…" began Crane, but the Joker's next spitball hit Freeze, who was sitting next to Crane. Instantly, Freeze whirled around, shooting a ray of ice at Joker. He ducked just in time – the ice hit the back of his seat, freezing it instantly.

"Geez, lighten up, Victor!" snapped Joker, popping his head back up. "I didn't mean to hit you!"

"Try to find some way to amuse yourself that does not come at the expense of others," growled Freeze, turning away from him.

"That's impossible!" snapped Joker. "The only way to have any fun is to annoy other people! Or hurt people, or kill people, or…"

He brightened suddenly. "Don't mind me, guys, I'm just gonna lie back here and sing to myself," he said, laying down in the back seat. "_999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall, 999,999,999 bottles of beer! You take one down, pass it around, 999,999,998 bottles of beer on the wall!_"

Freeze turned on the sound muffler in his helmet and shut his eyes. Ivy sighed heavily, curling up against Two-Face and pulling his jacket over her ears. "It's gonna be a long ride," she muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, look who finally decided to turn up," said Lex Luthor, smirking as the door to the foyer opened. "The Gotham freaks have at last deigned to grace us with their presence."

"The bus you sent broke down about twenty miles away from here," growled Two-Face, glaring at him furiously. "So thanks."

"How unfortunate," said Luthor, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "However did you get it working again? There's not a mechanic among you, is there?"

"J tried for a while," retorted Two-Face. "Said he knew something about cars. He didn't. Ended up setting the engine on fire. Freeze put it out before the bus exploded, but we were pretty screwed after that. Croc thought shoving some rocks up the exhaust pipe might help. It didn't. Then Clayface tried to squeeze himself into the carburetor to see if he could see a problem with that. He couldn't. And finally Pammie got fed up and tried seeing if there were any plants around big enough to tow it. There weren't. So we walked. Had to leave most of the luggage. So sorry, Lex, but your _World's Best Organizer_ mug didn't make the cut," he growled, throwing his bag on the ground.

"Where are the others?" asked Luthor, as Two-Face stormed over to the buffet and grabbed a glass of water, draining it in one gulp.

"I'm in the best shape outta all of 'em," he growled. "Lost 'em a few miles back. J was trying to bully Crane into carrying him. Everyone else refused to do it. I was gonna stick around and help them, but I flipped the coin, and it decided I should go on ahead and get settled in my room. And get a shower."

"Mmm, but you look all dirty and rugged and sweaty from your walk, Harvey," purred the Cheetah, licking her lips and flicking her tail from side to side. "You shouldn't just waste it all by washing it off. There's nothing like the animal magnetism of seeing a wild man return to nature."

"Oh…thanks, Cheetah," said Two-Face, surprised. "That wild animal look…uh…suits you too."

"If you like a guy with animal magnetism, Cheetah, I'm your man!" said Killer Croc, beaming as he entered the foyer.

"Uh…yeah…it doesn't work with all animals, Croc," said Cheetah, slowly. "Certainly not crocodiles. Or gorillas."

Gorilla Grodd sniffed in annoyance, returning to the buffet. "Your loss, sweetheart," he muttered.

"Where's the food?" demanded Clayface, storming into the room. "You know how tiring it is to lug a massive body of clay twenty miles?! I'm gonna need to eat most of this buffet!"

"Well, it's meant to be all you can eat, and I'll sue the catering company if it can't provide enough food to meet that challenge," said Luthor, shrugging. "Knock yourself out, Karlo. Victor, I'm so glad you could make it!" he said, striding forward to shake Freeze's hand as he entered. "I had a new idea for some ice-based weapons I want Lexcorp to start developing with your help, of course. I could promise you a ten percent share in…"

"That is very kind of you, Mr. Luthor, but I am otherwise occupied in finding a cure for my wife's illness," interrupted Freeze, coldly. "I am currently equipped with ample funds for my research, and as such have no interest in your project. Excuse me."

Luthor sighed in frustration, but smiled again as Poison Ivy entered the room. "Ivy, it's so good to see you again," he said, hugging her and kissing both her cheeks. "Even a twenty mile walk doesn't seem to make you any less beautiful."

"You're sweet, Lex," she said, grinning. "You're looking well."

"Oh, I just got a new personal trainer," he replied, nodding. "I try to keep fit."

"Yes, I can see that," she murmured, studying him up and down.

"Where's my kiss, Lexy?" giggled a voice. They turned to see the Joker being dragged into the foyer on one of the bus seats, harnessed by its seatbelt to a very weary-looking Jonathan Crane, who collapsed the moment they entered the building.

"No, I said drag me to Lexy, Johnny!" snapped Joker. "Now mush!" he shouted, grabbing another seatbelt and hitting Crane with it like a whip.

"Joker, stop it!" snapped Luthor, racing over to him. "I will not allow you to treat Injustice League members like cattle!"

"I was treating him like a sled dog, dummy," retorted Joker, sticking his tongue out as he stood up. "That's why I said 'mush.' That's what polar explorers used to call their dogs, 'cause they'd turn 'em into mush and eat 'em after they were done with 'em. Doncha know anything?"

"That's…completely inaccurate," gasped Crane.

"Yes, the actual origin is from the French," snapped the Ultra-Humanite. "France was the first European power established in the Canadian Shield, and accordingly, the _coureurs des bois_ and the voyageurs of New France used the French word '_Marche!' _meaning to 'go' or 'run' to command their dogs…"

"Oh, shut up, nerd, before I make you drag me around too," retorted Joker, heading over to the buffet.

"Professor Crane, I'm so sorry about him," said Luthor, helping to untie him. "We're not going to start the conference until after lunch – why don't you take advantage of my corporate spa…"

"Yeah, sounds like fun, Lexy," interrupted Joker, nodding. "Which way is that?"

"You're not invited, Joker," growled Luthor. "Grundy, look after Joker while I show Professor Crane to the spa."

Solomon Grundy grunted, grabbing ahold of both of Joker's arms. "Hey, I can't reach the cake!" exclaimed Joker, struggling to get free. "C'mon, Grundy, if you're gonna restrain me, the least you can do is feed me!"

"Grundy, do what he says," said Lex, nodding.

Grundy grunted again, picking up a giant piece of cake and shoving it into Joker's mouth, so that he couldn't speak. Everyone chuckled as Joker struggled futilely to talk, eventually spitting the cake out. "Joke's on you, since I swallowed most of it," he retorted. Then he made a face. "Ugh, carrot cake! Kinda wish I hadn't!"

"Oh Lex, I do love a guy who can put the clown in his place," murmured Ivy, cuddling up next to him. "You're such a forceful, powerful man."

"And is that your type, Ivy?" he asked, smiling at her.

"I'll say it is," she replied, grinning. "Mind if I join you in the spa?"

"I was hoping you would," he replied, grinning back. "Let's make like a tree, and leave."

Ivy giggled, and Two-Face glared at them from across the buffet table. He flipped his coin, and then headed over to go talk to the Cheetah.

"Grundy, keep an eye on Joker until the conference starts, will you?" asked Luthor, heading off with Ivy and Crane.

"The man said an eye, not an arm, you big gorilla!" snapped Joker. "Oh…no offense, Grodd!" he shouted across the room.

"Grundy watch you," muttered Grundy, releasing him.

"Yeah, congrats on figuring out what Lexy meant, brainiac," retorted Joker, sarcastically. "Oh…not you, Brainiac," he said, as the villain turned to look at him. "How's the family?"

"Hi Joker, how's tricks?" asked an attractive yet unfamiliar young woman, approaching him.

"Uh…good," said Joker, slowly. "Sorry, you're…?"

"It's me, Copperhead," said the woman.

"Copperhead?" repeated Joker. "Didn't you…used to be a guy?"

"Yeah," said the woman, nodding. "But I'm a lot happier now."

"Well, that's…good," stammered Joker, slowly. "Gee, that must've…hurt, though, huh?"

"Actually, it was a pretty painless process," she replied. "I can get you in touch with my doctor if you're interested."

Joker laughed, and then stopped when he saw that she wasn't. "Aw, gee, that's…thanks for the offer and everything, Copperhead, but…I'm happy as a guy."

"Are you really, though?" she asked. "If you were a woman, you might have a shot with Batman. Just think about it."

"I…sure will," said Joker, slowly. "Well, nice seeing you again, and good luck with that whole…woman thing."

He hurried away. "Surrounded by a buncha freaks and weirdos, I tell ya," he muttered, reaching for a drink. "Harley would have fit right in."


	4. Chapter 4

Harley was at that moment gingerly climbing out of the luggage hold of the broken down bus. She had snuck inside just before the bus left Gotham, and had instantly regretted her decision as she was tossed from one side of the compartment to the other by every bump in the road. By the time the bus had stopped, she was black and blue, but Harley was pretty used to that.

She had intended to pop out and surprise Mr. J when the luggage door opened…only it never had. She had heard familiar voices outside, arguing and tinkering with the bus, but then they had gradually disappeared. Harley had tried calling for help and banging on the door, but the interior of the bus was thick and pretty soundproof, and nobody had heard her over the noise of their arguments.

At last, after kicking at the door repeatedly, she managed to kick it down, and struggled out of the luggage hold. "This ain't Metropolis," she muttered, looking around.

"Were you the one who called the tow truck?" said a voice. Harley turned to see a man standing by a truck with a hook on the back, and a Metropolis license plate.

"Uh…no," she said, slowly. "But if I could catch a lift to Metropolis with you, that'd be great."

"This your bus?" he asked, nodding at it.

"Uh…no," she repeated. "I dunno where the driver is…"

Her eyes drifted over to a woman's body hidden behind the bus, her face sporting a huge death grin. "Was that really necessary, Mr. J?" she muttered.

"You say something?" asked the man.

"Nope," said Harley, hastily, stepping in front of the body and hiding it from view. "I dunno where the driver is, or whoever called you, but I'd be really grateful if I could get a lift with ya."

He shrugged. "Hop in," he said, attaching the hook to the front of the bus.

"So what brings you to Metropolis?" he asked as they drove away from the crime scene.

"Oh, I was trying to follow my boyfriend," she replied. "He has this conference in Metropolis, which he wouldn't let me come along to, even though all our friends are going. But he said I wasn't good enough to be in his precious little club, and that I wasn't his equal. Can you believe it? It's like feminism never happened, I tell ya!"

"Wow, he sounds like kinda a jerk," said the driver.

"Yeah, he can be," agreed Harley. "Still love the dumb clown, though."

"How can you love someone who treats you badly?" asked the driver.

"How can you _not_ love someone you love, no matter how they treat you?" demanded Harley. "If you love them, it don't matter. Geez, doncha know anything about love?"

"Er…I guess not," said the driver, slowly.

"Sad," sighed Harley. "So anyway, I was gonna show up at this conference and prove to him that I'm just as worthy of being there as any of 'em. But it was gonna be a surprise, so I stowed away in the luggage compartment. But I guess the bus broke down or something and they left it and me, because they didn't know I was in there."

"So where is this conference?" asked the driver. "I can drop you off there."

Harley's brow furrowed in confusion. "Uh…I'm not sure," she said. "It's being hosted by Lex Luthor, so just take me where he is."

The driver stared at her. "Lex Luthor is a huge celebrity," he replied.

"Exactly. So it shouldn't be too hard to know where he is at any given time – what do we pay the paparazzi for, I'd like to know?" said Harley.

"Uh…well, I can drop you off at the main office of Lexcorp," he replied. "Someone there should probably know where to find him."

"Aw, thanks, that'd be great," said Harley, beaming.

The driver pulled up in front of a huge office building. Harley thanked him, waved him off, and then strode into the lobby.

"Hi, sorry to bother you, but do you know where the Injustice League conference is?" she asked the receptionist.

She looked up in confusion. "The what?"

"Injustice League conference," repeated Harley. "Y'know, the secret society of supervillains that Lex Luthor is hosting?"

"Uh…no," said the receptionist slowly. "Sorry, you are…?"

"The name's Harley Quinn," replied Harley. "You might have heard of me – I'm the Joker's girlfriend, and equal. And I'm looking for Mr. J, who should be with Mr. Luthor at this conference, so if you can just tell me where Mr. Luthor is, I'd really appreciate it."

"Mr. Luthor is…currently unavailable," replied the receptionist. "He's out of office at his corporate spa."

"Great! And where's that?" asked Harley.

"I really can't give out that information," retorted the receptionist.

Harley sighed. "Ok, I understand," she said, nodding. "Guess I'll just…oh my God, look, it's Superman!" she shouted, pointing behind the receptionist.

She turned quickly to see nothing out of the ordinary. Turning back, she saw that Harley had gone and thought nothing of it…until she realized her address book had disappeared.

She picked up the phone, intending to call Mr. Luthor at once and report what had happened. But then she remembered his stern order to his staff before he left, telling them not to contact him under any circumstances while he was away. She hesitated for a moment, considering her options, and then dialed a different number. "Hello? I need to speak to Superman, please."

…

"I need you to relax, Professor Crane, or this won't do you any good," said Luthor's masseuse, as Crane lay face down on the table in front of him, covered in a towel.

"I'm sorry, it's terribly difficult to relax when you've had to drag a man behind you for twenty miles," retorted Crane. "I don't think the pain will ever go away."

"It will if you just relax," repeated the masseuse. "And I can't do my job otherwise. I'll just go see to Mr. Luthor and Miss Ivy – I'll be back in a few minutes. Try to have relaxed by then. Think of something pleasant."

Crane sighed as the man left. "Easy for him to say – every muscle in his body isn't on fire," he muttered, trying to get comfortable on the massage table. He winced in pain, and then remembered the masseuse's advice. "Think of something pleasant," he repeated. "Pleasant. Now let me see, what would that be?"

The door opened suddenly again, and a different masseuse entered – a woman this time. Crane didn't notice anything about her apart from that, still trying to concentrate on thinking of pleasant things. And then he was startled back to reality as she whispered, "Hiya, Johnny!"

Crane looked up to see Harley standing above him, smiling. "Harley…" he began, shocked.

She put a finger to her lips. "I'm in disguise," she whispered, gesturing to her plain clothes. "I'm trying to infiltrate the Injustice League conference without anyone noticing. But I didn't know where it was, so I tracked Luthor to his spa, and I'm gonna tail you guys when you leave here together. Don't give me away, ok?"

"Uh…n…no, of course not," he stammered.

She beamed. "You're a pal, Johnny," she murmured. "Now let's see about that massage."

"Harley, I really don't think…" began Crane, but any objection he had to Harley's plan vanished instantly the moment she placed her hands on him.

"Mr. J says giving a massage is one of the few things I can do competently," continued Harley, cheerfully. "How does that feel, Johnny?"

Harley _was _competent with massages, and even if she wasn't, Crane wouldn't have noticed – this was already by far the most erotic experience of his life, and the first time a woman's hands had ever come into contact with any part of his flesh. He managed a strangled cry in response, which Harley correctly interpreted as a good sound.

"Boy, you really are tense," said Harley, continuing to rub him. "You need to learn to loosen up, Johnny. Think I'll give you the full body treatment – you feel like you need it. Is that ok?"

Crane managed a nod, shutting his eyes and trying to savor every moment of this. It was completely worth dragging the Joker twenty miles.


	5. Chapter 5

The Injustice League conference itself was not the reason most of its members were there. It was an afternoon of boring talks of one kind or another – megalomaniacal rantings, tedious lectures, or empty political speeches, promising a 30% increase in injustice by the end of the next fiscal quarter, whatever that was supposed to mean.

The Joker had planned to set off a few fireworks during Luthor's speech, and waited with a smile on his face and barely concealed excitement as the time ticked away. And then passed, with no fireworks.

"Where's my kaboom?!" demanded Joker, interrupting the speech and leaping to his feet. "There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

"We did a security sweep of the area before we started, Joker," snapped Luthor. "Mercy found your bombs and deactivated all of them."

"What? Even the Leave 'Em Laughing Gassed finale?" demanded Joker, angrily. "You bitch!" he shouted at Mercy Graves, Luthor's bodyguard, who stood by his right hand. "Nobody spoils my fun! I'll get you for this!"

"You can try, clown," she snapped.

Joker scowled, sitting back down and folding his arms across his chest. "As I was saying, a 30% increase in injustice by the end of the next fiscal quarter…" continued Luthor. Joker groaned loudly, banging his head on the desk in front of him and leaving it there. Then, determined not to be defeated, he sat up, pulled out several pieces of candy from his pocket, and began crinkling the cellophane loudly over Luthor's speech.

"I can't hear what he's saying!" snapped Ivy, grabbing the candy wrappers away from Joker. He glared at her and then shrugged, looking around at the other league members. He began chewing the candy, then took it out of his mouth and flicked it at the head of the person in front of him, who happened to be Star Sapphire. The candy stuck in her hair. Joker chuckled, chewing on another piece and preparing to flick it again.

She whirled around angrily, shooting her crystal laser from her mask and disintegrating the candy in his hand. "Jesus, calm down!" he snapped. "Women are so goddamn touchy! I guess Harley would have fit right in!" he grumbled, folding his arms across his chest.

Most of the Injustice League members only attended the conference for the after party. Luthor spared no expense in pampering his colleagues in supervillainy in order to impress them, and for a group of people who generally weren't invited to parties, this was one of the best. Plus it included free food and an open bar, which usually swayed even the most unsociable of people.

"Wow, Johnny, you're looking relaxed," commented Two-Face, who had gone to the bar to get drinks for himself and Cheetah. Jonathan Crane was not mingling, but was instead seated on the bar stool gazing off happily into the middle distance.

"Indeed, Mr. Dent – I have had the most wonderful day of my life," murmured Crane.

"Really? But you had to drag J twenty miles," said Two-Face, puzzled.

"And I was touched by an angel at the spa afterward," he sighed. "Here," he said, gesturing to his shoulder. "And here, and here, and here, and here…" he said, continuing along his arm.

"Got touched everywhere, huh?" said Two-Face, who was trying to hurry along the conversation and get back to Cheetah. "Sounds like a pretty great massage – glad it included a happy ending and everything."

"Happy ending?" repeated Crane, confused.

"Uh…if you got a massage…_everywhere_," repeated Two-Face. "Y'know."

Crane stared at him blankly. Two-Face coughed awkwardly, glancing down. "Uh…in some…establishments, it's customary for the guy to pay…uh…maybe about twenty bucks extra for the girl to…uh…finish him off. By giving a complete massage. To his manhood."

Crane gaped at him. "How dare you?!" he snapped. "She's not that kind of girl! She was nothing but professional with me, angel that she is. But she did things to my body that resulted in the most intense physical pleasure I have ever known," he sighed, staring dreamily back at the wall.

"Sounds like a happy ending to me," muttered Two-Face under his breath, grabbing the drinks and hurrying off.

The Joker was wandering around the room, trying to cause trouble, and was getting more and more annoyed at how unsuccessful this endeavor was. He was constantly shadowed by Mercy Graves, who would pull a gun on him the moment he even thought about playing a joke. At last, frustrated by being forced to behave himself, Joker threw up his hands and shouted to the room at large, "Fine, you buncha lamewads! Don't let me have my fun! See if I care! I'll just go have fun on my own, without you losers!"

"Great idea, J – I've had your room decorated with Batman pictures, so you won't have to use your imagination when you're having fun with yourself," said Luthor, grinning. "Have a good time with him."

The whole room burst into laughter at this, and Joker ground his teeth together. For a clown, he hated being laughed at. He stormed off without another word, heading for the elevator.

"Buncha humorless freaks," he muttered, fiddling with the lock on his door and pushing it open. "I kinda wish Harley were here – at least she can take a joke!"

"Wish granted, puddin'," purred a familiar voice as the door opened.

Joker flicked on the lights to reveal Harley sprawled across the bed, naked and smiling. "Ya wanna rev up your Harley?" she asked, pulling aside the blankets.

"Harley…" he gasped, shocked. "How did you …what…what are you doing here?"

"I followed you so's I could crash the conference and prove I was just as good as any of your stupid little league members," she purred. "But first I wanna show ya how much I missed ya, Mr. J."

"Lexy is gonna be pissed that you're here," said Joker. Then he grinned. "Oh, pumpkin pie, I'm so happy to see you," he murmured, kissing her tenderly. "But hang on just one second while Daddy sets up a little surprise..."


	6. Chapter 6

"Oh, Lex, you're incredible," murmured Poison Ivy, lying naked in his arms in her hotel room. They had excused themselves right after everyone had laughed at the Joker – nothing put Ivy in the mood faster than seeing the clown humiliated. "I thought I'd miss the hair, but bald is a whole new type of sexy," she murmured, grinning as she stroked his head.

"I aim to please, Ivy," he murmured, smiling back.

"Mmm, you do," she growled. "You've got the looks, and the size, and the skill," she said, smiling. "But do you have the stamina?"

"Try me," he murmured, smiling as he climbed on top of her again.

And then they were interrupted by a terrible, incredible, indescribable noise. "What the hell is that?!" cried Luthor, sitting up suddenly.

"It sounds like somebody's torturing a seal!" cried Ivy, as Luthor stood up, throwing on a robe and throwing open the door.

"Mercy! What in God's name is making that noise?!"

"I dunno, Lex!" she cried, her hands clapped over her ears.

"Well, find out, dammit!" he roared. Ivy threw on her robe and joined Luthor in the hallway, where Mercy shot her a look of loathing and then hurried off. Luthor stormed down the hall in the direction of the noise with Ivy following, and arrived at last outside the Joker's room on the landing, where a large speaker had been set up, the wire trailing under the door. Mercy was already there, her gun cocked, and at a signal from Luthor, she kicked open the door.

"Oh, look, pooh, we've got company!" cried Joker, rolling off Harley and waving at the visitors. The noise stopped instantly, and they could see that the wire from the speaker was attached to a microphone by the bed…right by Harley's head. She was panting and beaming, clutching the blankets to her chest.

"You sick freak!" hissed Luthor at Joker. "Get dressed and come into the hall, now!"

"Aw, but Lexy, you know what it's like when you're right in the middle of things…" began Joker.

"Now!" roared Luthor.

Joker chuckled, reaching for his robe. "Luthor, what the hell is going on?!" roared Two-Face, storming down the hall toward them, also dressed in his robe, and with Cheetah following him. "Who's strangling a cat and why?!"

"My noises do not sound like a strangled cat!" snapped Harley, reaching for her own robe.

Ivy was staring from Two-Face to Cheetah with an open mouth. "Harvey!" she gasped.

"What?" he demanded. "You were busy with Lex!"

"That doesn't give you the right to go pick up other floozies!" she snapped.

"Excuse me?" demanded Cheetah.

"If anyone's a floozy here, it's you," growled Mercy.

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Lex, tell your hired help to keep her mouth shut," she retorted. "It's kinda pathetic that she gets jealous of other women. Get it through your thick skull, sweetheart – he doesn't keep you around because he loves you. He keeps you around because you're pathetic enough to stay without any kinda commitment from him!"

"Hey, don't give her the same spiel you give me!" snapped Harley. "We're nothing alike! Mr. J don't cheat on me with other women!"

"I'm not cheating on anyone!" retorted Luthor. "I'm a single man!"

"Yeah, and that's a real shame when you clearly got a devoted, semi-attractive broad willing to do anything for ya," said Joker, sighing and shaking his head. "It's a crime you don't treat her right, Lex. What kinda selfish bastard plays with a woman's feelings like that?"

"Don't you dare criticize Lex!" snapped Ivy. "You're no better!"

"Mr. J wouldn't sleep with you!" shrieked Harley.

"I don't know why Harvey would sleep with you," retorted Cheetah, glaring at Ivy. "He can clearly do better."

"Yes, a man with half a face is obviously quite a catch," snorted Luthor.

"Watch your mouth, baldy!" growled Two-Face.

Luthor stared at him. "What did you call me?" he demanded, softly.

"I think you heard me, baldy," repeated Two-Face. "I may have half a face, but I got a full head of hair…"

Luthor roared, launching himself at Two-Face and knocking him to the ground. The two began pummeling each other as Mercy, Ivy, and Cheetah rushed to separate them, screaming at them to stop. This quickly escalated into a fight between the three of them. Joker watched, chuckling madly to himself as Harley cooed over him, ruffling his hair.

And then the window by the landing crashed open, shattering glass everywhere. Everyone stopped fighting and looked to see a figure floating there, arms folded across his chest and eyes narrowed at them.

"Not you!" gasped Luthor, gazing at Superman in horror. "How did you…"

"Find out about this place? Easy," retorted Superman. "One of your employees reported the theft of an address book to me by a girl claiming to be Harley Quinn saying she wanted to find the Joker. Once I knew both of them were in town, I had a feeling they'd be working with you. But I had no idea all of the Injustice League would be here as well. Glad I brought my whole team," he said, nodding as shouts and noises could be heard along the halls. "We're rounding up as many of you as possible."

"Well, you're not taking me without a fight," growled Luthor, reaching for his gun. And then he realized he was wearing a bathrobe. The other villains were in similar circumstances, feeling around uselessly for their weapons in the semi-nude.

"Am I the only one who uses a gun during sex?" chuckled Joker, withdrawing his from the pocket of his bathrobe. "Eat lead, superfreak!"

He shot at Superman, who stood calmly in front of him, letting the bullets bounce off him. "Oh right, the whole can't be harmed by bullets thing…" said Joker, trailing off. "Well, where's Batsy? Can he be the one to arrest me?"

"Yes," growled a voice from behind him. Joker turned to see Batman standing there, locking his arms in a pair of handcuffs. Batman looked from Joker to Harley, and then at the pictures of himself on the wall of the bedroom, scowling.

"Hey, I didn't put those there!" said Joker, as Superman began arresting the others. "Don't flatter yourself!"

"I'm never inviting you to another conference again," growled Luthor. "In fact, I'm making a rule not to invite any Gotham freaks to my conferences ever again."

"We may be Gotham freaks, Lex, but I bet anyone from my party can take anyone from the rest of the Injustice League," retorted Joker. "Including Harley."

Harley squeaked happily, cuddling against him. "And…maybe not Johnny Crane," continued Joker. "But other than that, anyone."

"I'll hold you to that, when my lawyers get me outta this," retorted Luthor, as Superman dragged him off.

"Call me!" called Ivy after him, as she, Two-Face, Harley, and Joker were all dragged in the opposite direction by Batman.

"Y'know, Mr. J, I don't even mind that we're going back to Arkham," sighed Harley, wrapping her handcuffed arms around his neck. "You've just said I'm equal to anyone in the Injustice League. Which means I'm equal to you too, huh, puddin'?"

He laughed. "I didn't say that, my little cupcake," he replied. "I said you could take any of the other freaks in the Injustice League. I didn't say you could take me."

"But I beat you in that fight a couple weeks ago," said Harley. "Which means I'm as good as you, huh, puddin'?"

"No, Harley, it doesn't mean that," growled Joker. "Now drop it before Daddy beats you."

Harley shrugged. "Whatever you say, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek. But she knew the truth, and she didn't stop smiling all the way back to Gotham.

**The End**


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